Welcome to I'm Not Buying That, the blog where we dissect the woeful mistakes of the advertising industry. I'm your host, CJ Garrett, and I view terrible ads so you don't have to.

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Friday, March 25, 2011

Penis enlargement? Sign me up!

Normally, I have to say, I'm 100% in favor of penis enlargement. Anything that adds more penises (penii?) to the world is a service to mankind. Did I mention I lost about six hours today reading slash fiction? Dicks. Everywhere.

Never mind. On to the terrible advertising!

See, even though I'm a depraved misanthrope for whom nothing is shocking, 103 inches seems... excessive. The trousers for carrying such an enormous member would need to be specially fitted, for one. The use of a normal urinal would probably require scaffolding. I think sex would probably be amazing, though, if you could convince fifty to a hundred women to lick your schlong all at the same time.

Let this be a warning to all advertisers of penis enlargement treatments: PROOFREAD, for the love of god, or the very least that will happen is you'll get customers with excessively high expectations.

Now, normally I'd only do one ad, but you've been such a good audience, I feel like an encore. Behold!

Yes, kids, if you've got penis, you need to balance that up with vagina. The question weighing on my mind here, of course, is what in hell is the connection between vaginas and bagels; vaginas being the delicious entryway to sexytime heaven, and bagels being the delicious bread that makes your lunch awesome. These things are not alike.

If this was a car ad, I can't help imagining it would say something like "Our cars are like deep grilled pizzas: what's not to love?" It would make as much sense.

...Now I'm imagining a pizza car. DAMN YOU BRAIN!

I searched Amazon for 'penis enlargement' and got this.

Yes, I laughed myself stupid over the name.

CJ, over and out


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